You are more than your productivity and the work that you do.
“Wishing you a speedy recovery”
While I know these words are offered with good intent, they can needle me with little pricks of guilt that I’m ill and not working as hard as I could be.
I know this statement is a platitude and the sender probably isn’t telling me to “stop being lazy, hurry up, and get back to work.” But sometimes that’s how it hits me on a subconscious level.
I didn’t become aware of this feeling until I fractured and dislocated my right wrist and sprained my left wrist in September 2018.
That was the first time I’d ever been unable to ignore the signals my body was giving me to rest. And living in the UK meant I was signed off work for six-weeks and technically not allowed to log into my institutional systems. At that time, I was desperate to work, even though I was unable to tie my own shoes or hold a fork.
Back then I regularly wrote lectures until 2am, volunteered at green giveaways and socials on the evenings and weekends. I didn’t know what to do if I wasn’t busy writing a paper or organising a trip to an anaerobic digester.
So the many messages of ‘speedy recovery’ and ‘get well soon’ didn’t land well because I also wanted to rush and hurry my body and get back to being busy but had to learn to accept my limits.
I did not take to this lesson well. I was ungrateful to my boyfriend who took a week off work to help me with all the things I could no longer do myself: he cooked for me and opened the front door for me and stopped me from taking my prescription painkillers all the time.
Only one colleague sent me well wishes that showed off she understood the value of rest. She didn’t encourage any urgency or time scales, she hoped that I got the rest I needed and that was feeling supported and taking care of myself.
Sometimes you don’t realise how words make you feel until someone models the ‘right’ ones.
It was in this misery that my boyfriend, friends and parents kept reminding me that work was not my whole life and resting now - really not thinking about work and doing less, sleeping and numbing out with TV – would serve me better in the long run to do the things I loved. What if I was more focused on writing emails and didn’t regain full mobility in my hand? That was my priority, physio and sleep and my physical health.
I mention this now, because for most of this month I’ve had a cold and I’ve chosen to cancel my in person meetings, some travel and delayed some soft deadlines. I want to say that I’ve fully learned my lesson from six years ago - to take rest seriously and quiet those voices of guilt - but it still doesn’t come easily.
For me it takes multiple reminders within 24 hours often to give myself the permission to listen to my body: my husband pointing out that that colleagues will understand and not feel let down; my parents telling me to take care of myself; and someone in my coaching circle talking about how they’ve had to scale back because they were not feeling well.
I appreciate this so much because most people seem to be modelling pushing through. If anyone else needs a little extra permission to take time off here it is.
You are more than your productivity and the work that you do.
If you want even more of this modelling that ‘rest is resistance’ I’m hosting a FREE book club for sustainability professionals. We’ll be meeting to discuss how to save the world without burning out.
Send me a message to find out the next books and dates :)
